My journey from inner chaos to inner peace
Have you ever wondered if life is ever getting better for you? You were so traumatised that you don't know who you are, you don't seem to fit in and you feel you have no purpose or life seems meaningless...
Well, I had a lot of trauma & abuse (including sexual, emotional physical and neglect) mostly in my childhood & teenage years and have been diagnosed with complex PTSD in my late 20s. Life really sucked at that stage of my life. I couldn't see a better future for myself...
...life didn't feel worth living...
...besides, I didn't feel worthy...
I was determined to not let my past define my future and at the same time I struggled to find the motivation and energy to get out of bed.
For over 10 years I have seen a very patient, caring and non-judging psychiatrist weekly, sometimes twice a week (I rarely need to see him now).
I also attended group healing weeks, online courses, and read tons of books and research articles...
...still, it was not easy to find the right help...
Now I have coaches, who help me to stay on track and connected with my authentic self, so that I can keep growing and walk towards my dreams.
How did I make this change from inner chaos to inner peace happen?
We all have that drive to connection and crave that sense of belonging. We all want to contribute in some way...
It took a lot of determination, courage and support to commit to my healing journey - which at times felt like a dark lonely never-ending journey.
...all those new routines and habits, techniques and tools, processing and integrating of trauma memories to CHANGE...
...yet I was petrified of CHANGE...
Am I even worthy of feeling ok or of a better future?????
...my inner demons were working overtime to sabotage any progress...
Gosh, it has been really hard work! Stacks of DAILY exercises to re-wire my brain. People often don't get that this is a 24/7 job.
Yes, our brain has a tremendous capacity to change and Yes, it was worth every effort, because things did eventually change for me...
...in a big way...
but it was hard work...
...that demands patience and courage and lots more patience...
I never thought it was possible for me to have inner peace or calmness. It was "normal" to me that my thoughts were racing and colliding and contradicting, my emotions spiralled from out of control intensity to feeling numb like a robot
where I have so much joy and love in my life...
And most of all - inner peace. I never thought that this was possible for me. It is bliss!
Today I do whatever I can to empower others to reach beyond what life has dealt them too, so that they can also experience inner peace. It's so my wish for you :)
I want to see you start living towards your dreams, so I share the knowledge, tricks, tips & tools I have learnt along my journey. In the hope that you get through this much faster than I did.
My own journey of learning & growing will never end though. I will always be a student and a learner at heart to ensure I can deliver the latest insights to you :)
I want to be here for you, so your journey isn't as dark and lonely as mine. For this I created:
This is where I deliver latest research and insights on cPTSD, managing symptoms and day to day struggles. This is also a space where you can connect with other complex trauma survivors. Who else is going to understand you better than someone who has similar struggle to yours?
Hopefully I can create some sparks of hope within you, so you can belief in a better future for yourself too. You are worthy of better future and most of all you are worthy of love just as you are in this moment.
Make it your choice to reclaim your life. It's yours and yours only. Never let another person dictate to you what you are capable of or not!
Like I said, at the beginning I just couldn't see things ever getting better for myself and I never imagined that living could be that much fun for me ever.
As always, sending you lots of love and rainbows to brighten up those difficult times
Here are some snippets from my timeline - it's a typical bio of someone who uses work & study as form of distraction :)
Ongoing obsession with learning every detail about impacts of interpersonal, attachment, complex and developmental trauma so I can share it with those who are not privileged to have access to expensive workshops and healing weeks. I study the latest research publications & books, attend workshops and love online courses by therapist, psychiatrist and researchers such as:
Pat Ogden, Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk, Kathy Steele, Pete Walker, Ruth Lanius, Dan Siegel, Stephen Porges, Rick Hanson, Stephen Hayes, Russ Harris, Jonice Webb, Jeffery Young, Daniel Goleman, Martin Seligman, Daniel Amen...
...are just a few and I highly recommend them all!
2018 - launched the complex PTSD updates - CPU member site, where I help other complex trauma survivors find ways to manage day to day struggle, so that people feel empowered to get out of that dark lonely hole trauma can place in -> creating sparks of hope :)
2016 - launched this website, Facebook page, YouTube channel, local support group get-togethers, and Facebook group: complex PTSD and thriving, in the hope to inspire and empower others to reach beyond what life has dealt them - living your dream
2015 - PhD candidate. Title: Comparing the clinical, quality of life and economic impact of the hospital-based intravenous immunoglobulin treatment mode with the home-based subcutaneous immunoglobulin for patients with primary and secondary immunodeficiency disease; publications and presentations
2014 - Diploma in Medical Laboratory Science with Faculty Commendation for Academic Excellence; working in Pathology Laboratories
2013 - Disability Support Worker and started Certificate IV in Disability
2010/13 - Foster carer for one young girl with a beautiful heart
attended many workshops organised by the Department of Child Safety and their partner organisations (e.g. IFYS, EVOLVE, Life without Barriers) and other training seminars on e.g.: Autism, Aspergers, Attachment Disorders, Anxiety Disorders, PTSD, Circle of Security, Sexual Abuse, Cross-Cultural Education, Student Mentoring, Building resilience
2010 - more inner healing work at Mayumarri (specific on healing from childhood trauma and abuse) - my first group sessions
2009 - completed Honours with First Class: (topic: Peripheral Arterial Disease); research presentations and publications; working on various research projects at University and as laboratory demonstrator for pharmacology course
2007/9 - ABA (Applied Behavioural Analysis) training – ABA therapist for Children with Autism
2007 - completed Bachelor of Biomedical Science
2006 - became Australian citizen, had to hand in my Austrian citizenship
2005 - start of my long intensive therapy to work on my childhood trauma/PTSD symptoms
2004 - mentor for first year students at my University
2003 - diagnosed with Coeliac disease, became area contact person for Coeliac Society: organised many meetings and get togethers and Coeliac awareness events
2002 - completed Certificate III in Hospitality (yes, I was a chef once upon a time)
2000 - lots of travelling e.g. South Africa, Swaziland and Zimbabwe Australia, US, England, Indonesia and working in hospitality in between to safe money for the next trip
1994 - Diploma in Kindergarten and Preschool Teaching
and some other goodies from time to time :)