fasten your seatbelts
this is a turbulent Storytime
of a character called “Tanja”…
Please bring curious attention to what happens within you, as you read this story
Born in Tirol - Austria.
Engaged in frequent chats with garden gnomes (see photo)
Explored dancing, playing music, gardening, cooking, knitting, sewing…
While simultaneously experienced trauma, abuse and assaults (physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, spiritual)
Confused and lost
Never understood people or why I am here on this planet
Went backpacking U.S., Australia, Africa, Indonesia… before moving to Australia in 1998.
Questioning everything internally and externally
Mostly I questioned the purpose of my existence (this started before the age of 6)
Feeling fundamentally flawed and different
Having '“out of body” experiences
Fluctuating through intense emotions that cannot be put in words
Deepest despair and suicidal attempts, exhilarating joy, appreciating breathtaking moments, panic attacks, frustration, anger, hopelessness, helplessness, jealousy, pure love, peaceful stillness
The sharpest of contrasts!!
It was like the wildest rollercoaster in the dark going backwards
Unpredictable and chaotic
Around age 13, I deeply connected with Jonathan Livingston Seagull (by Richard Bach) - commitment to mastery
…. Jonathan became my hero... The belief that if I work hard enough, I can make anything happen now set in stone!
… decades of hard work to:
become better, smarter, healthier, more liked and accepted…
heal childhood trauma wounds and fixing my brain,
attain lots of qualifications (to feel more worthy and to prove people that I can even though I have learning difficulty)
… striving to “make it” in many different careers…
Meanwhile I accumulated more and more diagnosis (cPTSD, ADD, Meniere’s disease, vestibular migraines, coeliac disease, fibromyalgia….)
STRUGGLING was a constant
(emotionally, financially, physically, socially…)
always busy: having multiple jobs simultaneously (a socially endorsed distraction!) and creating a better version of “me”
the abrupt shift - 2019
The mad search for solutions to all my many struggles ENDED
when my forceful “make it happen” attitude pushed me to “The Edge”
my physical body “shut down” (a medical emergency - home alone)
Realising that:
none of the accumulated knowledge is going to save me now and
none of my best practices, routine and techniques could prevent this
The loudest question became:
Is this the end of my existence in this body???
dropping my guard for the first time
feeling utterly "naked"
no point in fighting...
surrender just happened naturally - choiceless choice?
this moment of Surrender opened the door to merge “existence” and “non-existence” (for lack of better words to describe the indescribable) - seeing clearly, unfiltered
A research scientist having a mystical experience??
no
An awakening . A glimpse . An opening
An awareness
so obvious and so clear that it could not be denied or doubted
The old way of “living” no longer made sense
Tanja does NOT exist in Truth
she’s a mind-made character
solely exists in the mind identified world
a fun character though
(when she’s not frustrated or impatient 🤣)
This was a realisation on the “cellular” level
heartfelt. speechless
deep grief was also present (I worked so hard on that character!!)
and also tremendous relief
all struggles came to an END
clearly seeing how
healing work kept me stuck
practices, routines and techniques a trap
just resting in
spaciousness and vastness
deliciously
watching life unfold
sensing the richness of life
staring at clouds
mesmerising
like you’ve never seen clouds before
indescribable
fascinating
a waterdr0p reflecting in the sun
touched to tears
so magical
reading this may evoke curiosity, a longing, a resonance
and inner knowing of “that’s it”
or it may be disturbing
crazy nonsense 🌻 💛 🌱
feel this??? 💛🌻
“The bad news is you're falling through the air, nothing to hang on to, no parachute. The good news is, there's no ground.”
— Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche
… a new era …
like falling deeper and deeper within oneself
expansive
intimate
unfiltered
spontaneous
playful
creative
sensing all of life
…
All the above is
a playful arrangement of words to create this story
an infinite number of stories could be created
This is obvious when you clearly see how entanglement with thoughts and beliefs shapes the emotional experiences and seemingly outer appearance or reality
🌻 Sensing .💛 Open . ✨Curious .
Bonus story
As I am often asked, here are some of my Credentials...
Doctor of Philosophy PhD (Internal Medicine - Immunology), Bachelor in Biomedical Science, Honours (Pharmacology), Associate Degree In Medical Laboratory Science, Diploma in Pre-school and Kindergarten teaching (specialised in autism and ADHD). Many courses/certificates in the field of psychology and human behaviour, neuroscience, high performance coaching, acceptance commitment therapy, inner child therapy, Certified Strategic Intervention Coach and trained in Activation™ Method, Energy Coach, Teacher of Presence (Eckhart Tolle)….
Fun fact, I am also a qualified chef and that’s only a fraction of “credentials”, as I always worked in multiple fields simultaneously.
It feels so freeing now that the addiction to accumulating knowledge, busyness/workaholic mode and need to prove my worthiness (a common cPTSD coping mechanism)... has ended
Ready to end yours too?
For those of you curious in the medical research project I was involved in
Here's a list of papers, abstracts and conference presentations where we published our research findings.
Peer-reviewed publications
Windegger TM, English J, Weston H, Morwood K, Kynn M, Scuffham P, Fung YL. Longitudinal study of intravenous versus subcutaneous immunoglobulin preplacement therapy in haematological malignancy. Asia-Pacific Journal of Clinical Oncology. 2021:17(6):546-554. DOI: 10.1111/ajco.13515.
Windegger TM, Nghiem S, Nguyen KH, Fung YL, Scuffham PA. Primary immunodeficiency disease: A cost-utility analysis comparing intravenous versus subcutaneous immunoglobulin replacement therapy in Australia. Blood Transfusion. 2020:18(2):96-105. DOI: 10.2450/2019.0083-19.
Data and results from this manuscript were used by the Australian Medical Service Advisory Committee (MSAC) to provide advice to the Minister for Health on immunoglobulin use in this cohort (MSAC Application no. 1592)
Windegger TM, Nghiem S, Nguyen KH, Fung YL, Scuffham PA. Cost-utility analysis comparing hospital-based intravenous immunoglobulin with home-based subcutaneous immunoglobulin in patients with secondary immunodeficiency. Vox Sanguinis. 2019;114(3):237-46.
Data and results from this manuscript were used by the Australian Medical Service Advisory Committee (MSAC) to provide advice to the Minister for Health on immunoglobulin use in this cohort (MSAC Application no. 1565).
Windegger TM, Lambooy CA, Hollis L, Morwood K, Weston H, Fung YL. Subcutaneous immunoglobulin therapy for hypogammaglobulinemia secondary to malignancy or related drug therapy. Transfusion Medicine Reviews. 2017;31(1):45-50.
Russell FD, Windegger T, Hamilton KD, Cheetham NWH. Effect of the novel wound-healing agent, OPAL A on leukotriene B4 production in human neutrophils and 5-lipoxygenase activity. Wound Practice and Research, 2011:19;200-203.
Conference abstracts and presentations
Windegger TM, English J, Morwood K, Weston H, Kynn M, Scuffham P, Fung YL. Clinical and quality of life impacts of IVIg and SCIg therapy differ in patients with secondary immunodeficiency compared to those with primary immunodeficiency. Poster at 29th Regional Congress of ISBT in Basel, Switzerland (22-26 June 2019). Vox Sanguinis 2019;114(S:1)218.
Windegger TM, Morwood K, Weston H, English J, Fung YL. Subcutaneous immunoglobulin in patients with common variable immunodeficiency. Poster at 29th annual conference of the Australasian Society of Clinical Immunology and Allergy (ASCIA), Canberra, Australia (4-8 September 2018). Internal Medicine Journal 2018;48(S:6):19-20.
Windegger TM, English J, Weston H, Morwood K, Fung YL. Health and quality of life impacts of switching from IVIG to SCIg treatment in patients with primary immunodeficiency disease. Selected as an Oral presentation at BLOOD the combined Annual Scientific Meeting of the Haematology Society of Australia and New Zealand, Australian and New Zealand Society of Blood Transfusion and Thrombosis and Haemostasis Society of Australia and New Zealand, Brisbane, Australia (21-23 October 2018).
Awarded: Transfusion Professionals Award Clinical Transfusion Practice.
Windegger TM, Lambooy C, English J, Weston H, Morwood K, Fung YL. Comparing the number of antibiotic treated infections of primary and secondary immunodeficiency disease while on immunoglobulin replacement therapy, preliminary findings in an Australian cohort. Poster at 27th Regional Congress of ISBT in Copenhagen, Denmark (17-21 June 2017). Vox Sanguinis 2017;112(S:1):258.
Windegger TM, Scuffham P, Morwood K, Weston H, Fung YL, Nguyen KH. Preliminary: Cost effectiveness of hospital-based versus home-based immunoglobulin replacement therapy for patients with primary immunodeficiency. Selected as oral presentation at the 39th Annual Conference of the Australian Health Economics Society (AHES) in Sydney, Australia (21-22 September 2017).
Windegger TM, Fung YL, Morwood K, English J, Weston H, Scuffham P, Nguyen KH. SCIg home-based immunoglobulin replacement therapy is a cost-effective treatment for Australian primary immunodeficiency patients. Poster at the Annual Scientific Meetings of the Haematology Society of Australia and New Zealand, Australian and New Zealand Society of Blood Transfusion and the Australasian Society of Thrombosis and Haemostasis (HAA) in Sydney, Australia (29th October – 1st November 2017).
Windegger TM, Lambooy C, Morwood K, Weston H, Fung YL. Preliminary data on cost of IVIg and SCIg treatment in adult Australian patients. Selected as oral presentation at the Annual Scientific Meetings of the Haematology Society of Australia and New Zealand, Australian and New Zealand Society of Blood Transfusion and the Australasian Society of Thrombosis and Haemostasis (HAA) in Melbourne, Australia (13-16 November 2016) presented by A/Prof Lin Fung.
Windegger TM, Lambooy C, Weston H, Morwood K, Fung YL. Review of training to self-administer SCIg and the Health Related Quality of Life (HRQoL) impacts on patients changing from IVIg to SCIg treatment. Poster at the Annual Scientific Meetings of the Haematology Society of Australia and New Zealand, Australian and New Zealand Society of Blood Transfusion and the Australasian Society of Thrombosis and Haemostasis (HAA) in Melbourne, Australia (13-16 November 2016).
Windegger TM, Nguyen KH, English J, Morwood K, Weston H, Scuffham P, Fung YL. Cost effectiveness of hospital-based versus home-based immunoglobulin replacement therapy for SCHHS patients with primary immunodeficiency. Selected as an oral presentation at Sunshine Coast University Hospital (SCUH) Research Day in Birtinya, Australia (15th November 2017).
Windegger TM, Lambooy C, Morwood K, Weston H, English J, Fung YL. Preliminary data IVIG versus SCIg treatment in adult Australian patients. Selected as an oral presentation at Wide Bay Scientific Group Conference in Caloundra, Australia (2017).
Clapperton R, Windegger T, Walker PJ, Green S, Schulz K, Russell F, Askew CD. The effect of short term exercise training on the rate of calf muscle fatigue in patients with peripheral arterial disease. Exercise and Sport Science Australia Meeting 2010.
Mitchell G, Windegger T, Russell FD. Clinical observations and physiological data supporting a vascular response as a mechanism of the novel wound-healing agent, OPALA. The 2nd Meeting of the Australasian Wound and Tissue Repair Society 2010, Abstract 28, pp. 34.